Day 165

Not so bad today.
Resolution should exist in life, and yet it eludes us like so many jellyfish...with stingers and slime...
That's a horrible metaphor.
Resolution.
Elusive.
Yeah.
I'd like to think that I can forget all the horrible crap from the past and never let it bother me again...never cry about the same stupid things again, never regret things I had no control over...
But how without resolution? Without closure?
George Santayana once said: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
I remember all right...I'd prefer to forget...but what does it mean?
I get that I have to remember the past--but I mean...I don't wanna have my life be a series of like-repetitious cyclical pain and grief because I'm not taking care of myself, getting over the initial grief.
I guess I have to remember the original crap--purge it, in order to stop the cycle.
This totally sucks.
No way around it.
Thanks for nothing philosophy.

Day 138

I have been told not to make any big decisions recently.
This seems like good advice, since I'm an impulsive person.
When faced with odds that seem overwhelming, my basic instict always says AAAAACK!; which either translates as: "Run AWAY" or "CHARGE" which is also known as flight or fight...(fight or flight if you wanna get really nitty gritty...you bastards....ok..I'm fighting today.)
So yeah....half of me wants to get up and jump acros my desk and kick people in the face....the other wants to curl up UNDER my desk and rock back and forth until the feeling passes.
Highly productive.
Since I'm not really getting much accomplished, I am writing...blogging...whatever.
This feels totally lame and like a cop out.
I'm not really fixing anything.
I want to jump into the thick of things and make it alllll better.
None of which a freaking blog entry will do.
Why am I so impatient?!
I'd rather screw everything up with what could be a "quick fix" than put in the real work that it will take to make this happen.
I also continue to listen to everyone elses idea of what will work for me.
I am now officially saying Shut The Hell Up.
This is MY journey.
If you broke it, buy it...own up.
If not, back off.
I need to make this happen for myself, stop trying to pass judgement, guilt, blame, disparagement and whatever you think is "helpful", unless you know what I need. If you're psychic, then you can feel free to ascertain my needs. If not--it's not your place.
I'm over being a guinea pig, a sacrificial lamb, a scapegoat and an ass.
If you want any other animals, go to a petting zoo.
My final straw has snapped and if one more thing gets thrown "out there" I'm not going to take "one for the team".
Wow.
I'm frankly cliched out.

Day 132

Wow...I'm uh....almost 4 1/2 months sober...
weeeeird
I should be proud, but with all my recent issues (I've been sick, then had some BPD snafus...) I've not been feeling at the top of my proverbial game.
I realize it may be a really crazy thing to blog this stuff in a public way...I've tried the whole AA thing and I'm s'posed to be anonymous and stuff...but I'm sober, and I can't sit in a room and feel sorry for myself...I mean...I still do sometimes, but I don't want to talk about it with other people. I either wanna write it down or just bottle it up....call me antisocial or isolationist...whatever...I can't deal right now mostly with sitting in a room that has a bunch of men....like they know why I started drinking...

Day 87

It feels like I've been sober forever and yet like no time has passed at all.
At the meetings everyone talks about how all it takes is that first drink...
I know for me that is true.
I have that first drink...(or like a first chug) and I'm gone.
I don't know the meaning of moderation, with much of anything...I have always been an overzealous individual...
Never content with the middle of the road, I go wholly into whatever I do.
This comes in really handy when I work on a project, be it work or art...
But when it comes to something less practical, or potentially damaging, I end up flat on my ass after believing I could control my circumstances...
Control. Something I lack, yet so desparately desire. As a person with addiction control has been my ultimate dream but my eventual downfall.
I must give up control in order to truly obtain healing.

Day 76

Tired and slow.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I know this is merely a temporary setback, but I feel stuck.
Coming off one of my medications (under a doctors supervision) was my choice, but I feel slower, and more like crap than I did when I used. At least then I could just have some greasy food and feel better. This feeling has no cure.
I'm tired, wired, paranoid and shaky.
I feel like this will never end.
I keep praying for the strength to keep going on...
I asked for more work responsibility, and I got it. This is a huge step up, but in addition to all the regular tasks, I have the pressure to perform my new responsibilites well, with my impaired capabilities...I feel crippled.
Though I love the new work I am doing...my mind goes blank and all my words and thoughts get jumbled...
One day at a time.
One step at a time.
One task at a time.
God give me strength to carry on as I try to be the person I am meant to be.

Day 54

It does get easier, but it's not easy.
I'm not saying it's not hard.
Every day is so hard not giving in to my own stupidity.
But I see how much better I feel when I'm not hung over, sleeping on the bathroom floor, running into the wall (both litereally and figuratively).
I also see how much less likely I am to hurt those I love when I don't use.
Being more in control of my actions, I'm less likely to say and do things I'll regret later.
I still do anyway, but at least I remember it well enough to know how to apologize later.
All I can say is that I'm not perfect, and it's stilla daily battle, but with God's constant grace, I am getting through this, and I believe that there is recovery for me.

Day 40

Sometimes I think life is totally unfair.
I mean...why do bad things happen to totally great people?
I know that's a really common question...and one that is not easily answered.
Things never seem be balanced...people who work so hard for things never get them, while others who never work for the same ones get them instantly without ever trying--
I guess there is a more rewarding feeling in the journey...a sense of great joy when one finally recieves a miracle...When God finally blesses them..as opposed to a quick and instant gratification where one never knew the heartache that was possible.