day 334

there is a significant difference between not drinking, and being sober.
I have realized that I am sober, and not just abstaining, because when I think about drinking, and watch people drink, I'm not angry, I'm uncomfortable.
I get anxious, not angry.
I don't lecture, I empathize.
This is SUCH a paradigm shift for me.
I quit drinking 9 years ago, to just see if I could, and I did. I was so bitter in the process, and made people around me miserable. I used to hand out advice like I was a self-help book...when I myself took none of it...
I told people to seek out meetings, having never gone myself.
I couldn't see past the log in my own eye to help people take the splinter in their own.
I'm not saying I can help anyone with any of that now...I'm FAR from helping anyone out...but at least now I'm not as huge a hypocrite as I was...I've been to a few meetings, and though it may not be my cup of tea for the long haul, I see it as a wonderfully useful tool in my sobriety and in helping others as well. I CAN'T make it alone...I'm powerless!
I require a team and a higher power to keep me in check or I'm totally going to get wrecked again...
Not that I am a wreck, but in a way, we all have the potential to make disasters of ourselves without love and guidance if left to our own devices.
I'm just glad that I reached out.

Day 319

Temptation is everywhere, but it's funny, sometimes when I try my hardest to hurt myself, I find that the most love is there.
Grace is no more evident than when there is absolute suffering, Just as there can be no light without darkness to allow us to comprehend the difference. I despise myself sometimes for my inability to grasp simple concepts like love and acceptance, but when I see it, feel it and realize I have just overlooked it, I can't help but feel ashamed and fall down and be grateful and thankful for grace that allows me to be foolish and childish, and accept love anyhow.

day 302

this is getting close to a year...
I turn 29 tomorrow, and you'd think that by now I'd have more of my life figured out.
People around me kind of humor me when I joke that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up...I remember saying that to a woman in church once, 3 or 4 years ago, and she said to me, "Isn't it about time you found out--You're already a grown up!"
I might also mention, she was not joking when she said it.
I've carried that sentiment with me to this day...that while I remain in a sort-of adolescent limbo as I try to grow as an individual, I realize it's almost a luxury.
People in other cultures have to decide their chosen path at an even earlier age or one is forced upon them. Knowing how I had to mature in many other ways at such an early age, to fend for myself and be so responsible doesn't seem to help me reconcile my absence of direction.
So do I turn inward an admit defeat?
Or do I use this year as an opportunity to take Frosts' road less traveled?

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Day 251

It will be 8 months since I've been sober on Thursday.
I should feel more...and I have these past few weeks...actually I have since the end of December.
Following Holidays I usually feel the bounce-back effect of the past...the things I can't control. The wave of emotion from the fear of things that MIGHT happen, and the disappointment of what has happened.
I'm a wreck from keeping up the front, and angry at not being protected. I get physically sick, mentally exhausted, spiritually drained, and emotionally spent.
I have learned how to put up boundaries around sensitive issues regarding my trauma...but sometimes things leak in...memories, poor timing, and passing conversation. I know I can't isolate myself, but the safety of a blanket and a kitten is always comforting :)
I've stepped out of myself, a huge leap---I got a sponsor and am starting at the beginning...I'll see how it goes...I can't promise results, but I can promise that I will try...each day to just be in the moment and be responsible for myself and my actions.

Day 206

This weekend was really hard. To be honest, this time of year is really hard. Like some sort woodland mammal I tend to hibernate in winter-pulling the blankets over my head-eating more than I should to keep warm.
I realize these actions only lead to an intensified feeling of discontent, anxiety and remorse for lost time and missed opportunities, but my depression makes it hard to go beyond my comfort zone.
I find the hardest thing about this time of year to be the triggers that arise--I know I'm not alone in this--the high rate of suicides and staggering numbers of anti-anxiety drugs and sleep aids prescribed around the holidays prove that many people feel the work pressure, family strain and the overall push for everything to go "just right" at this time of year.

For a holiday which centers around a far from perfect premise--A knocked up out of wedlock teenager, whose husband felt like he got slightly pressured into marrying her by two really big scary angels he uh..."dreamed about" (translation-people thought he was nuts)
So the pregnant girl and the crazy guy have to go to a foreign land because the government tell them to--there's no place for them to stay so they are basically homeless vagrants wandering around lost--and she has to give birth in a barn. How far from the Disney cards we give each other each year and the Santa wish lists we make asking for extravagant presents--That family got nothing--The Magi that we read about taking gifts to the baby didn't make it for a year following his birth.
Why do we feel like we have to make this one day a year so freaking magical?
Was it magical for them? Do you think the worn out couple were looking at each other with a dewy glow thinking---"this is so perfect."
They were probably thinking about when they could take a bath or get a hot meal.

I think I need to remind myself of this when I get that rushed feeling to get in the "holiday spirit" or buy that "perfect" gift. Nothing will ever compare to just being there for people who actually need someone--the lonely, tired, worn out people who have been through what I have and more, and can't imagine another day of it...

206 days of not drinking or using...I'm so weary. But at least I know that it could be so much worse. And this year--I'm just going to feel it--and pray that I can find out what I made it through for.

Day 165

Not so bad today.
Resolution should exist in life, and yet it eludes us like so many jellyfish...with stingers and slime...
That's a horrible metaphor.
Resolution.
Elusive.
Yeah.
I'd like to think that I can forget all the horrible crap from the past and never let it bother me again...never cry about the same stupid things again, never regret things I had no control over...
But how without resolution? Without closure?
George Santayana once said: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
I remember all right...I'd prefer to forget...but what does it mean?
I get that I have to remember the past--but I mean...I don't wanna have my life be a series of like-repetitious cyclical pain and grief because I'm not taking care of myself, getting over the initial grief.
I guess I have to remember the original crap--purge it, in order to stop the cycle.
This totally sucks.
No way around it.
Thanks for nothing philosophy.

Day 138

I have been told not to make any big decisions recently.
This seems like good advice, since I'm an impulsive person.
When faced with odds that seem overwhelming, my basic instict always says AAAAACK!; which either translates as: "Run AWAY" or "CHARGE" which is also known as flight or fight...(fight or flight if you wanna get really nitty gritty...you bastards....ok..I'm fighting today.)
So yeah....half of me wants to get up and jump acros my desk and kick people in the face....the other wants to curl up UNDER my desk and rock back and forth until the feeling passes.
Highly productive.
Since I'm not really getting much accomplished, I am writing...blogging...whatever.
This feels totally lame and like a cop out.
I'm not really fixing anything.
I want to jump into the thick of things and make it alllll better.
None of which a freaking blog entry will do.
Why am I so impatient?!
I'd rather screw everything up with what could be a "quick fix" than put in the real work that it will take to make this happen.
I also continue to listen to everyone elses idea of what will work for me.
I am now officially saying Shut The Hell Up.
This is MY journey.
If you broke it, buy it...own up.
If not, back off.
I need to make this happen for myself, stop trying to pass judgement, guilt, blame, disparagement and whatever you think is "helpful", unless you know what I need. If you're psychic, then you can feel free to ascertain my needs. If not--it's not your place.
I'm over being a guinea pig, a sacrificial lamb, a scapegoat and an ass.
If you want any other animals, go to a petting zoo.
My final straw has snapped and if one more thing gets thrown "out there" I'm not going to take "one for the team".
Wow.
I'm frankly cliched out.