Day 429

How the hell did I make it this far?
Higher power and stuff I guess--I'm certainly not strong enough to not use. 
I know I'm not as certain of a substantial God-like figure as I once was.  I used to be so black and white about all this, but the more sober I get, the less sure I am that there has ever been a perfect answer for everything. 
It's too convenient a solution.
It's also to easy an escape for all the people who want absolution for their heinous crimes and hypocrisy.
I don't buy it.
I used substances to numb how shitty I felt about what other people did to me, which is so counterintuitive, but common I've come to discover.  I think sobering up has made me realize how little I actually have to be sorry for, how few amends I truly have to make, and how much I need to really repair myself from what has been done to me.

I feel angry above all, at the lies I was told in the form of indoctrination and religion to keep me in line with abuse and neglect.
I feel betrayed by the very system which was supposed to protect me.  I feel sad for other people trapped in the same situation.
I want desperately to help them, but feel so selfish right now, and very protective of my own safety, and for the first time I'm unwilling to trust even well-meaning people with my feelings.  I'm just not ready to get crushed again.
I think it's ok to want to be safe right now.  I feel like this cocoon is alright for now, and maybe eventually I'll climb out, but for now I need to heal.

Day 34

I didn't think that after having gone through all of this before I would be so emotional about a month of sobriety.

But, well here I am and I'm really grateful, and totally overwhelmed.

I have my one month chip, which 2 years ago I promised I wouldn't make a big deal about, but I have to admit, my heart kinda skipped a beat, and I'm both scared and excited.

I'm scared that it's only been a month, and it seems so close to how completely shit I made everything before. I'm also excited and glad to have gotten through 34 whole fucking days!

This feels like uncharted territory, although I've been here before a bunch of times.

I guess I feel like because I have a guide and a map of sorts, and support, it is so much less daunting...

So here's goes day 35 :)

Day 13

Starting over. I'm not proud of this. I'm not proud of the circumstances that lead up to me being back on the road to recovery. I am however glad to be recovering, rather than making myself suffer. I realized that this time I had no one else to blame but myself for making me the victim when I use or drink, and I have to take responsibility, however shitty it feels. It sucks having to be this honest. I feel like my previous posts were so cryptic, so this is me being pretty raw.

I am a crappy drunk, and I don't know how to stop with just one drink. I love alcohol. I really like using...I mean LOVE it. It's hard to imagine my life without substances to ease the suffering. Feeling my feelings sounds so blergh. Why the fuck would I want to do that?

Seriously?

But then I mean, I guess I royally fucked up on the good stuff too. Not to mention losing the trust of the people I love. Ugh...this is way more difficult that I want to think about.

Want to curl up in fetal position and watch cartoons and not hold myself accountable.

Oh wait--That's half my life...Ok...

Being too hard on myself.

Another thing I do, and then drink about...lol

Man---I need to find that middle ground--what is this page called again? Youthymia? Oh yeah, that middle feeling--neither high nor low...RIGHT!

Thank you reality.

Ok. Here's my glass of water raised to day 14, and finding a stable job.

day 377

It's been a year and some change now. And I know the typical thing is to go to some meeting and get a chip and celebrate--but celebrations for me have always brought up that horrible panicky feeling that leads me back into using, so instead-I opted to spend time with friends and just relax...I focused on my and my own recovery-and staying healthy the best way I know how. I have to soothe the old wounds and learn to heal.
Self soothing is far different than self medicating and requires that I be present and aware--and that I care for myself by treating symptoms as soon as they arise--and be an advocate for myself--I can't be a victim anymore.

day 350

Forgiveness...I always thought being sober was about people forgiving me for all my stuff
but I'm realizing more and more, it has more and more to do with me forgiving myself, and others for the reasons I started using to begin with.
I thought about it yesterday and realized that my anger and sadness could be a choice--I could choose to continue be hurt by the past, or start to forgive and let some of that just drop off my shoulders.
In a stupid ridiculous way, I've allowed the people to hurt me continuously for all these years by carrying them around with me--shouldering their anger and resentment like it was my cross to bear. Well folks, it's not. I am so over it.
They are not worth my time or effort.
The things that were done to me were horrible, yes, but I can't change them--and so, I can say--I'm sorry they did them--that sucks. And it's a shame that people like that chose to do those things and miss out on knowing me as I am, and participating in the positive things that I have to offer, because I will no longer have anything to do with them unless they decide to make full restitution. I have no place in my life for people who don't respect my boundaries. It's not hatred anymore, it's protection and self love. Not a self love that makes me an egomaniac, but a self love that respects my own preservation and maintanance. I'm looking after my own balance and well-being...something that should have been done for me years ago, but I'm going to do for me now because I deserve it.
We all do.

day 334

there is a significant difference between not drinking, and being sober.
I have realized that I am sober, and not just abstaining, because when I think about drinking, and watch people drink, I'm not angry, I'm uncomfortable.
I get anxious, not angry.
I don't lecture, I empathize.
This is SUCH a paradigm shift for me.
I quit drinking 9 years ago, to just see if I could, and I did. I was so bitter in the process, and made people around me miserable. I used to hand out advice like I was a self-help book...when I myself took none of it...
I told people to seek out meetings, having never gone myself.
I couldn't see past the log in my own eye to help people take the splinter in their own.
I'm not saying I can help anyone with any of that now...I'm FAR from helping anyone out...but at least now I'm not as huge a hypocrite as I was...I've been to a few meetings, and though it may not be my cup of tea for the long haul, I see it as a wonderfully useful tool in my sobriety and in helping others as well. I CAN'T make it alone...I'm powerless!
I require a team and a higher power to keep me in check or I'm totally going to get wrecked again...
Not that I am a wreck, but in a way, we all have the potential to make disasters of ourselves without love and guidance if left to our own devices.
I'm just glad that I reached out.

Day 319

Temptation is everywhere, but it's funny, sometimes when I try my hardest to hurt myself, I find that the most love is there.
Grace is no more evident than when there is absolute suffering, Just as there can be no light without darkness to allow us to comprehend the difference. I despise myself sometimes for my inability to grasp simple concepts like love and acceptance, but when I see it, feel it and realize I have just overlooked it, I can't help but feel ashamed and fall down and be grateful and thankful for grace that allows me to be foolish and childish, and accept love anyhow.