Day 429

How the hell did I make it this far?
Higher power and stuff I guess--I'm certainly not strong enough to not use. 
I know I'm not as certain of a substantial God-like figure as I once was.  I used to be so black and white about all this, but the more sober I get, the less sure I am that there has ever been a perfect answer for everything. 
It's too convenient a solution.
It's also to easy an escape for all the people who want absolution for their heinous crimes and hypocrisy.
I don't buy it.
I used substances to numb how shitty I felt about what other people did to me, which is so counterintuitive, but common I've come to discover.  I think sobering up has made me realize how little I actually have to be sorry for, how few amends I truly have to make, and how much I need to really repair myself from what has been done to me.

I feel angry above all, at the lies I was told in the form of indoctrination and religion to keep me in line with abuse and neglect.
I feel betrayed by the very system which was supposed to protect me.  I feel sad for other people trapped in the same situation.
I want desperately to help them, but feel so selfish right now, and very protective of my own safety, and for the first time I'm unwilling to trust even well-meaning people with my feelings.  I'm just not ready to get crushed again.
I think it's ok to want to be safe right now.  I feel like this cocoon is alright for now, and maybe eventually I'll climb out, but for now I need to heal.

Day 34

I didn't think that after having gone through all of this before I would be so emotional about a month of sobriety.

But, well here I am and I'm really grateful, and totally overwhelmed.

I have my one month chip, which 2 years ago I promised I wouldn't make a big deal about, but I have to admit, my heart kinda skipped a beat, and I'm both scared and excited.

I'm scared that it's only been a month, and it seems so close to how completely shit I made everything before. I'm also excited and glad to have gotten through 34 whole fucking days!

This feels like uncharted territory, although I've been here before a bunch of times.

I guess I feel like because I have a guide and a map of sorts, and support, it is so much less daunting...

So here's goes day 35 :)

Day 13

Starting over. I'm not proud of this. I'm not proud of the circumstances that lead up to me being back on the road to recovery. I am however glad to be recovering, rather than making myself suffer. I realized that this time I had no one else to blame but myself for making me the victim when I use or drink, and I have to take responsibility, however shitty it feels. It sucks having to be this honest. I feel like my previous posts were so cryptic, so this is me being pretty raw.

I am a crappy drunk, and I don't know how to stop with just one drink. I love alcohol. I really like using...I mean LOVE it. It's hard to imagine my life without substances to ease the suffering. Feeling my feelings sounds so blergh. Why the fuck would I want to do that?

Seriously?

But then I mean, I guess I royally fucked up on the good stuff too. Not to mention losing the trust of the people I love. Ugh...this is way more difficult that I want to think about.

Want to curl up in fetal position and watch cartoons and not hold myself accountable.

Oh wait--That's half my life...Ok...

Being too hard on myself.

Another thing I do, and then drink about...lol

Man---I need to find that middle ground--what is this page called again? Youthymia? Oh yeah, that middle feeling--neither high nor low...RIGHT!

Thank you reality.

Ok. Here's my glass of water raised to day 14, and finding a stable job.

day 377

It's been a year and some change now. And I know the typical thing is to go to some meeting and get a chip and celebrate--but celebrations for me have always brought up that horrible panicky feeling that leads me back into using, so instead-I opted to spend time with friends and just relax...I focused on my and my own recovery-and staying healthy the best way I know how. I have to soothe the old wounds and learn to heal.
Self soothing is far different than self medicating and requires that I be present and aware--and that I care for myself by treating symptoms as soon as they arise--and be an advocate for myself--I can't be a victim anymore.

day 350

Forgiveness...I always thought being sober was about people forgiving me for all my stuff
but I'm realizing more and more, it has more and more to do with me forgiving myself, and others for the reasons I started using to begin with.
I thought about it yesterday and realized that my anger and sadness could be a choice--I could choose to continue be hurt by the past, or start to forgive and let some of that just drop off my shoulders.
In a stupid ridiculous way, I've allowed the people to hurt me continuously for all these years by carrying them around with me--shouldering their anger and resentment like it was my cross to bear. Well folks, it's not. I am so over it.
They are not worth my time or effort.
The things that were done to me were horrible, yes, but I can't change them--and so, I can say--I'm sorry they did them--that sucks. And it's a shame that people like that chose to do those things and miss out on knowing me as I am, and participating in the positive things that I have to offer, because I will no longer have anything to do with them unless they decide to make full restitution. I have no place in my life for people who don't respect my boundaries. It's not hatred anymore, it's protection and self love. Not a self love that makes me an egomaniac, but a self love that respects my own preservation and maintanance. I'm looking after my own balance and well-being...something that should have been done for me years ago, but I'm going to do for me now because I deserve it.
We all do.

day 334

there is a significant difference between not drinking, and being sober.
I have realized that I am sober, and not just abstaining, because when I think about drinking, and watch people drink, I'm not angry, I'm uncomfortable.
I get anxious, not angry.
I don't lecture, I empathize.
This is SUCH a paradigm shift for me.
I quit drinking 9 years ago, to just see if I could, and I did. I was so bitter in the process, and made people around me miserable. I used to hand out advice like I was a self-help book...when I myself took none of it...
I told people to seek out meetings, having never gone myself.
I couldn't see past the log in my own eye to help people take the splinter in their own.
I'm not saying I can help anyone with any of that now...I'm FAR from helping anyone out...but at least now I'm not as huge a hypocrite as I was...I've been to a few meetings, and though it may not be my cup of tea for the long haul, I see it as a wonderfully useful tool in my sobriety and in helping others as well. I CAN'T make it alone...I'm powerless!
I require a team and a higher power to keep me in check or I'm totally going to get wrecked again...
Not that I am a wreck, but in a way, we all have the potential to make disasters of ourselves without love and guidance if left to our own devices.
I'm just glad that I reached out.

Day 319

Temptation is everywhere, but it's funny, sometimes when I try my hardest to hurt myself, I find that the most love is there.
Grace is no more evident than when there is absolute suffering, Just as there can be no light without darkness to allow us to comprehend the difference. I despise myself sometimes for my inability to grasp simple concepts like love and acceptance, but when I see it, feel it and realize I have just overlooked it, I can't help but feel ashamed and fall down and be grateful and thankful for grace that allows me to be foolish and childish, and accept love anyhow.

day 302

this is getting close to a year...
I turn 29 tomorrow, and you'd think that by now I'd have more of my life figured out.
People around me kind of humor me when I joke that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up...I remember saying that to a woman in church once, 3 or 4 years ago, and she said to me, "Isn't it about time you found out--You're already a grown up!"
I might also mention, she was not joking when she said it.
I've carried that sentiment with me to this day...that while I remain in a sort-of adolescent limbo as I try to grow as an individual, I realize it's almost a luxury.
People in other cultures have to decide their chosen path at an even earlier age or one is forced upon them. Knowing how I had to mature in many other ways at such an early age, to fend for myself and be so responsible doesn't seem to help me reconcile my absence of direction.
So do I turn inward an admit defeat?
Or do I use this year as an opportunity to take Frosts' road less traveled?

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Day 251

It will be 8 months since I've been sober on Thursday.
I should feel more...and I have these past few weeks...actually I have since the end of December.
Following Holidays I usually feel the bounce-back effect of the past...the things I can't control. The wave of emotion from the fear of things that MIGHT happen, and the disappointment of what has happened.
I'm a wreck from keeping up the front, and angry at not being protected. I get physically sick, mentally exhausted, spiritually drained, and emotionally spent.
I have learned how to put up boundaries around sensitive issues regarding my trauma...but sometimes things leak in...memories, poor timing, and passing conversation. I know I can't isolate myself, but the safety of a blanket and a kitten is always comforting :)
I've stepped out of myself, a huge leap---I got a sponsor and am starting at the beginning...I'll see how it goes...I can't promise results, but I can promise that I will try...each day to just be in the moment and be responsible for myself and my actions.

Day 206

This weekend was really hard. To be honest, this time of year is really hard. Like some sort woodland mammal I tend to hibernate in winter-pulling the blankets over my head-eating more than I should to keep warm.
I realize these actions only lead to an intensified feeling of discontent, anxiety and remorse for lost time and missed opportunities, but my depression makes it hard to go beyond my comfort zone.
I find the hardest thing about this time of year to be the triggers that arise--I know I'm not alone in this--the high rate of suicides and staggering numbers of anti-anxiety drugs and sleep aids prescribed around the holidays prove that many people feel the work pressure, family strain and the overall push for everything to go "just right" at this time of year.

For a holiday which centers around a far from perfect premise--A knocked up out of wedlock teenager, whose husband felt like he got slightly pressured into marrying her by two really big scary angels he uh..."dreamed about" (translation-people thought he was nuts)
So the pregnant girl and the crazy guy have to go to a foreign land because the government tell them to--there's no place for them to stay so they are basically homeless vagrants wandering around lost--and she has to give birth in a barn. How far from the Disney cards we give each other each year and the Santa wish lists we make asking for extravagant presents--That family got nothing--The Magi that we read about taking gifts to the baby didn't make it for a year following his birth.
Why do we feel like we have to make this one day a year so freaking magical?
Was it magical for them? Do you think the worn out couple were looking at each other with a dewy glow thinking---"this is so perfect."
They were probably thinking about when they could take a bath or get a hot meal.

I think I need to remind myself of this when I get that rushed feeling to get in the "holiday spirit" or buy that "perfect" gift. Nothing will ever compare to just being there for people who actually need someone--the lonely, tired, worn out people who have been through what I have and more, and can't imagine another day of it...

206 days of not drinking or using...I'm so weary. But at least I know that it could be so much worse. And this year--I'm just going to feel it--and pray that I can find out what I made it through for.

Day 165

Not so bad today.
Resolution should exist in life, and yet it eludes us like so many jellyfish...with stingers and slime...
That's a horrible metaphor.
Resolution.
Elusive.
Yeah.
I'd like to think that I can forget all the horrible crap from the past and never let it bother me again...never cry about the same stupid things again, never regret things I had no control over...
But how without resolution? Without closure?
George Santayana once said: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
I remember all right...I'd prefer to forget...but what does it mean?
I get that I have to remember the past--but I mean...I don't wanna have my life be a series of like-repetitious cyclical pain and grief because I'm not taking care of myself, getting over the initial grief.
I guess I have to remember the original crap--purge it, in order to stop the cycle.
This totally sucks.
No way around it.
Thanks for nothing philosophy.

Day 138

I have been told not to make any big decisions recently.
This seems like good advice, since I'm an impulsive person.
When faced with odds that seem overwhelming, my basic instict always says AAAAACK!; which either translates as: "Run AWAY" or "CHARGE" which is also known as flight or fight...(fight or flight if you wanna get really nitty gritty...you bastards....ok..I'm fighting today.)
So yeah....half of me wants to get up and jump acros my desk and kick people in the face....the other wants to curl up UNDER my desk and rock back and forth until the feeling passes.
Highly productive.
Since I'm not really getting much accomplished, I am writing...blogging...whatever.
This feels totally lame and like a cop out.
I'm not really fixing anything.
I want to jump into the thick of things and make it alllll better.
None of which a freaking blog entry will do.
Why am I so impatient?!
I'd rather screw everything up with what could be a "quick fix" than put in the real work that it will take to make this happen.
I also continue to listen to everyone elses idea of what will work for me.
I am now officially saying Shut The Hell Up.
This is MY journey.
If you broke it, buy it...own up.
If not, back off.
I need to make this happen for myself, stop trying to pass judgement, guilt, blame, disparagement and whatever you think is "helpful", unless you know what I need. If you're psychic, then you can feel free to ascertain my needs. If not--it's not your place.
I'm over being a guinea pig, a sacrificial lamb, a scapegoat and an ass.
If you want any other animals, go to a petting zoo.
My final straw has snapped and if one more thing gets thrown "out there" I'm not going to take "one for the team".
Wow.
I'm frankly cliched out.

Day 132

Wow...I'm uh....almost 4 1/2 months sober...
weeeeird
I should be proud, but with all my recent issues (I've been sick, then had some BPD snafus...) I've not been feeling at the top of my proverbial game.
I realize it may be a really crazy thing to blog this stuff in a public way...I've tried the whole AA thing and I'm s'posed to be anonymous and stuff...but I'm sober, and I can't sit in a room and feel sorry for myself...I mean...I still do sometimes, but I don't want to talk about it with other people. I either wanna write it down or just bottle it up....call me antisocial or isolationist...whatever...I can't deal right now mostly with sitting in a room that has a bunch of men....like they know why I started drinking...

Day 87

It feels like I've been sober forever and yet like no time has passed at all.
At the meetings everyone talks about how all it takes is that first drink...
I know for me that is true.
I have that first drink...(or like a first chug) and I'm gone.
I don't know the meaning of moderation, with much of anything...I have always been an overzealous individual...
Never content with the middle of the road, I go wholly into whatever I do.
This comes in really handy when I work on a project, be it work or art...
But when it comes to something less practical, or potentially damaging, I end up flat on my ass after believing I could control my circumstances...
Control. Something I lack, yet so desparately desire. As a person with addiction control has been my ultimate dream but my eventual downfall.
I must give up control in order to truly obtain healing.

Day 76

Tired and slow.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I know this is merely a temporary setback, but I feel stuck.
Coming off one of my medications (under a doctors supervision) was my choice, but I feel slower, and more like crap than I did when I used. At least then I could just have some greasy food and feel better. This feeling has no cure.
I'm tired, wired, paranoid and shaky.
I feel like this will never end.
I keep praying for the strength to keep going on...
I asked for more work responsibility, and I got it. This is a huge step up, but in addition to all the regular tasks, I have the pressure to perform my new responsibilites well, with my impaired capabilities...I feel crippled.
Though I love the new work I am doing...my mind goes blank and all my words and thoughts get jumbled...
One day at a time.
One step at a time.
One task at a time.
God give me strength to carry on as I try to be the person I am meant to be.

Day 54

It does get easier, but it's not easy.
I'm not saying it's not hard.
Every day is so hard not giving in to my own stupidity.
But I see how much better I feel when I'm not hung over, sleeping on the bathroom floor, running into the wall (both litereally and figuratively).
I also see how much less likely I am to hurt those I love when I don't use.
Being more in control of my actions, I'm less likely to say and do things I'll regret later.
I still do anyway, but at least I remember it well enough to know how to apologize later.
All I can say is that I'm not perfect, and it's stilla daily battle, but with God's constant grace, I am getting through this, and I believe that there is recovery for me.

Day 40

Sometimes I think life is totally unfair.
I mean...why do bad things happen to totally great people?
I know that's a really common question...and one that is not easily answered.
Things never seem be balanced...people who work so hard for things never get them, while others who never work for the same ones get them instantly without ever trying--
I guess there is a more rewarding feeling in the journey...a sense of great joy when one finally recieves a miracle...When God finally blesses them..as opposed to a quick and instant gratification where one never knew the heartache that was possible.

Day 35

I'm tired.
Last night I was so tired wanted a drink.
But I didn't have one.
I guess that's good.
No meetings in forever.
I'm still sticking to this whole thing, so that's good.
I guess staying busy and having a million things to do is good.
I just feel exhausted.

Day 31

I've been sober a month and a day.
I never thought I could do it.
I don't need a chip to give me strength, or a hug.
Right now I just want to skip around like a little kid...
I have my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds.
I think its important to be grounded, and have firm footing, but still keep dreaming-hoping for great and aspirational things--lest I get too pragmatic and boring.
I'm ecstatic every day that I choose to do things without additional "courage".
I'm actual more inspired to create now than I ever was before, and I actual follow through.
I'm really proud of myself...this is a totally new place for me...

Day 24

My next goal is to read more.
If I can go to meetings and read I think it'll help me understand why on earth I really want to keep doing this.
I know that I'm a morre dynamic individual when I'm not drunk. I have less of a recovery time between binges, and I can enjoy regualr activities more because I'm not in a stuper.
My art is more coherant, and my relationships are simpler.
Still...I'm struggling with how to remind myself why this is relevent on a day-to-day basis.
I am SO stubborn.
I think some of the literature should be helpful.
Here's hoping...