Day 35

I'm tired.
Last night I was so tired wanted a drink.
But I didn't have one.
I guess that's good.
No meetings in forever.
I'm still sticking to this whole thing, so that's good.
I guess staying busy and having a million things to do is good.
I just feel exhausted.

Day 31

I've been sober a month and a day.
I never thought I could do it.
I don't need a chip to give me strength, or a hug.
Right now I just want to skip around like a little kid...
I have my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds.
I think its important to be grounded, and have firm footing, but still keep dreaming-hoping for great and aspirational things--lest I get too pragmatic and boring.
I'm ecstatic every day that I choose to do things without additional "courage".
I'm actual more inspired to create now than I ever was before, and I actual follow through.
I'm really proud of myself...this is a totally new place for me...

Day 24

My next goal is to read more.
If I can go to meetings and read I think it'll help me understand why on earth I really want to keep doing this.
I know that I'm a morre dynamic individual when I'm not drunk. I have less of a recovery time between binges, and I can enjoy regualr activities more because I'm not in a stuper.
My art is more coherant, and my relationships are simpler.
Still...I'm struggling with how to remind myself why this is relevent on a day-to-day basis.
I am SO stubborn.
I think some of the literature should be helpful.
Here's hoping...

Day 21

3 Weeks in.

I'm aware today of how exhausted I am; be it the weather, the stress or the overall week.
It is Friday, so thank God for small blessings.
I'm certainly ready for a break.

I don't have a whole lot to say--but I'm proud to be 3 weeks sober.
I have my usual mix of music on at work--but this song has been making me think.

I feel like there's this little part of me that is trying to get solace, while another part just wants to silence it...thus the using or drinking.
I guess I need to learn to listen to myself entirely to get to a place of healing.
I'm only really a shadow of myself while I'm hurting myself.

Day 20

Still here.
Still going.
Still holding out for something better.
I have to confess to not meeting with other people and reading as much as I should.
I have been preoccupied with my health and work issues, but I do need to make my recovery a priority now as well.
This feels for me like a failure, to connect and commit to my original plan. I know I should cut myself some slack but I just want to do everything all at once.
So I will commit to today.
Doing the best I can today and not worrying about tomorrow.
I can only work on this particular day--and actually, right now, I can only do one task at a time.
So blog, then work, etc.
*sigh*
I think I'll be ok.

Day 8

So I realize the name of my blog may sound weird, and I want to clear that up.
YOUthymia is sort of a phonetic spelling (allbeit my own spin) of the word Euthymia.

Wikipedia defines Euthymia as: a word used for indicating a normal non-depressed, reasonably positive mood. It is distinguished from euphoria, which refers to an extreme of happiness, and dysthymia, which refers to a depressed mood.

I strive for this state. Neither happy nor sad. A place of serenity-no highs or lows, but of cerebral and emotional harmony. Maybe it sounds wacky, but I think most people would give up feeling super great to chuck the super sad letdown that inevitably follows.
There is some comfort in stability.
Achieving it, however, is the trick.

So that's what I'm trying to do--one day at a time. Not really knowing what I'm doing, still feeling the ups and downs, but hoping for some kind of eventual center.

Day 7

I'm starting a new experiment.
Online blogging about my recovery.
7 days without a drink.
I guess that's progress.
One day at a time.
I'm not sure what I should be feeling right now.
I feel tired and grumpy.
I forgot to take my meds last night until like 1:00.
I couldn't calm my mind down.
All I could think about was how a drink would relax me.
One sweet drink.
But one is never enough.
There's always a second.
Then a third-then a tenth.
And I lie.
"I only had 3."
I'm an expert lier.
I don't know the truth anymore.
The truth is, I'm tired, and I have no inspiration for art anymore because I'm not sober long enough to remember what I was doing long enough to follow through.
I drew last night for the first time in months.
It sucked but it's a start.
So there ya go.
Seven days and counting.