Day 138

I have been told not to make any big decisions recently.
This seems like good advice, since I'm an impulsive person.
When faced with odds that seem overwhelming, my basic instict always says AAAAACK!; which either translates as: "Run AWAY" or "CHARGE" which is also known as flight or fight...(fight or flight if you wanna get really nitty gritty...you bastards....ok..I'm fighting today.)
So yeah....half of me wants to get up and jump acros my desk and kick people in the face....the other wants to curl up UNDER my desk and rock back and forth until the feeling passes.
Highly productive.
Since I'm not really getting much accomplished, I am writing...blogging...whatever.
This feels totally lame and like a cop out.
I'm not really fixing anything.
I want to jump into the thick of things and make it alllll better.
None of which a freaking blog entry will do.
Why am I so impatient?!
I'd rather screw everything up with what could be a "quick fix" than put in the real work that it will take to make this happen.
I also continue to listen to everyone elses idea of what will work for me.
I am now officially saying Shut The Hell Up.
This is MY journey.
If you broke it, buy it...own up.
If not, back off.
I need to make this happen for myself, stop trying to pass judgement, guilt, blame, disparagement and whatever you think is "helpful", unless you know what I need. If you're psychic, then you can feel free to ascertain my needs. If not--it's not your place.
I'm over being a guinea pig, a sacrificial lamb, a scapegoat and an ass.
If you want any other animals, go to a petting zoo.
My final straw has snapped and if one more thing gets thrown "out there" I'm not going to take "one for the team".
Wow.
I'm frankly cliched out.

Day 132

Wow...I'm uh....almost 4 1/2 months sober...
weeeeird
I should be proud, but with all my recent issues (I've been sick, then had some BPD snafus...) I've not been feeling at the top of my proverbial game.
I realize it may be a really crazy thing to blog this stuff in a public way...I've tried the whole AA thing and I'm s'posed to be anonymous and stuff...but I'm sober, and I can't sit in a room and feel sorry for myself...I mean...I still do sometimes, but I don't want to talk about it with other people. I either wanna write it down or just bottle it up....call me antisocial or isolationist...whatever...I can't deal right now mostly with sitting in a room that has a bunch of men....like they know why I started drinking...