Day 206

This weekend was really hard. To be honest, this time of year is really hard. Like some sort woodland mammal I tend to hibernate in winter-pulling the blankets over my head-eating more than I should to keep warm.
I realize these actions only lead to an intensified feeling of discontent, anxiety and remorse for lost time and missed opportunities, but my depression makes it hard to go beyond my comfort zone.
I find the hardest thing about this time of year to be the triggers that arise--I know I'm not alone in this--the high rate of suicides and staggering numbers of anti-anxiety drugs and sleep aids prescribed around the holidays prove that many people feel the work pressure, family strain and the overall push for everything to go "just right" at this time of year.

For a holiday which centers around a far from perfect premise--A knocked up out of wedlock teenager, whose husband felt like he got slightly pressured into marrying her by two really big scary angels he uh..."dreamed about" (translation-people thought he was nuts)
So the pregnant girl and the crazy guy have to go to a foreign land because the government tell them to--there's no place for them to stay so they are basically homeless vagrants wandering around lost--and she has to give birth in a barn. How far from the Disney cards we give each other each year and the Santa wish lists we make asking for extravagant presents--That family got nothing--The Magi that we read about taking gifts to the baby didn't make it for a year following his birth.
Why do we feel like we have to make this one day a year so freaking magical?
Was it magical for them? Do you think the worn out couple were looking at each other with a dewy glow thinking---"this is so perfect."
They were probably thinking about when they could take a bath or get a hot meal.

I think I need to remind myself of this when I get that rushed feeling to get in the "holiday spirit" or buy that "perfect" gift. Nothing will ever compare to just being there for people who actually need someone--the lonely, tired, worn out people who have been through what I have and more, and can't imagine another day of it...

206 days of not drinking or using...I'm so weary. But at least I know that it could be so much worse. And this year--I'm just going to feel it--and pray that I can find out what I made it through for.