Day 429

How the hell did I make it this far?
Higher power and stuff I guess--I'm certainly not strong enough to not use. 
I know I'm not as certain of a substantial God-like figure as I once was.  I used to be so black and white about all this, but the more sober I get, the less sure I am that there has ever been a perfect answer for everything. 
It's too convenient a solution.
It's also to easy an escape for all the people who want absolution for their heinous crimes and hypocrisy.
I don't buy it.
I used substances to numb how shitty I felt about what other people did to me, which is so counterintuitive, but common I've come to discover.  I think sobering up has made me realize how little I actually have to be sorry for, how few amends I truly have to make, and how much I need to really repair myself from what has been done to me.

I feel angry above all, at the lies I was told in the form of indoctrination and religion to keep me in line with abuse and neglect.
I feel betrayed by the very system which was supposed to protect me.  I feel sad for other people trapped in the same situation.
I want desperately to help them, but feel so selfish right now, and very protective of my own safety, and for the first time I'm unwilling to trust even well-meaning people with my feelings.  I'm just not ready to get crushed again.
I think it's ok to want to be safe right now.  I feel like this cocoon is alright for now, and maybe eventually I'll climb out, but for now I need to heal.