Day 206

This weekend was really hard. To be honest, this time of year is really hard. Like some sort woodland mammal I tend to hibernate in winter-pulling the blankets over my head-eating more than I should to keep warm.
I realize these actions only lead to an intensified feeling of discontent, anxiety and remorse for lost time and missed opportunities, but my depression makes it hard to go beyond my comfort zone.
I find the hardest thing about this time of year to be the triggers that arise--I know I'm not alone in this--the high rate of suicides and staggering numbers of anti-anxiety drugs and sleep aids prescribed around the holidays prove that many people feel the work pressure, family strain and the overall push for everything to go "just right" at this time of year.

For a holiday which centers around a far from perfect premise--A knocked up out of wedlock teenager, whose husband felt like he got slightly pressured into marrying her by two really big scary angels he uh..."dreamed about" (translation-people thought he was nuts)
So the pregnant girl and the crazy guy have to go to a foreign land because the government tell them to--there's no place for them to stay so they are basically homeless vagrants wandering around lost--and she has to give birth in a barn. How far from the Disney cards we give each other each year and the Santa wish lists we make asking for extravagant presents--That family got nothing--The Magi that we read about taking gifts to the baby didn't make it for a year following his birth.
Why do we feel like we have to make this one day a year so freaking magical?
Was it magical for them? Do you think the worn out couple were looking at each other with a dewy glow thinking---"this is so perfect."
They were probably thinking about when they could take a bath or get a hot meal.

I think I need to remind myself of this when I get that rushed feeling to get in the "holiday spirit" or buy that "perfect" gift. Nothing will ever compare to just being there for people who actually need someone--the lonely, tired, worn out people who have been through what I have and more, and can't imagine another day of it...

206 days of not drinking or using...I'm so weary. But at least I know that it could be so much worse. And this year--I'm just going to feel it--and pray that I can find out what I made it through for.

Day 165

Not so bad today.
Resolution should exist in life, and yet it eludes us like so many jellyfish...with stingers and slime...
That's a horrible metaphor.
Resolution.
Elusive.
Yeah.
I'd like to think that I can forget all the horrible crap from the past and never let it bother me again...never cry about the same stupid things again, never regret things I had no control over...
But how without resolution? Without closure?
George Santayana once said: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
I remember all right...I'd prefer to forget...but what does it mean?
I get that I have to remember the past--but I mean...I don't wanna have my life be a series of like-repetitious cyclical pain and grief because I'm not taking care of myself, getting over the initial grief.
I guess I have to remember the original crap--purge it, in order to stop the cycle.
This totally sucks.
No way around it.
Thanks for nothing philosophy.

Day 138

I have been told not to make any big decisions recently.
This seems like good advice, since I'm an impulsive person.
When faced with odds that seem overwhelming, my basic instict always says AAAAACK!; which either translates as: "Run AWAY" or "CHARGE" which is also known as flight or fight...(fight or flight if you wanna get really nitty gritty...you bastards....ok..I'm fighting today.)
So yeah....half of me wants to get up and jump acros my desk and kick people in the face....the other wants to curl up UNDER my desk and rock back and forth until the feeling passes.
Highly productive.
Since I'm not really getting much accomplished, I am writing...blogging...whatever.
This feels totally lame and like a cop out.
I'm not really fixing anything.
I want to jump into the thick of things and make it alllll better.
None of which a freaking blog entry will do.
Why am I so impatient?!
I'd rather screw everything up with what could be a "quick fix" than put in the real work that it will take to make this happen.
I also continue to listen to everyone elses idea of what will work for me.
I am now officially saying Shut The Hell Up.
This is MY journey.
If you broke it, buy it...own up.
If not, back off.
I need to make this happen for myself, stop trying to pass judgement, guilt, blame, disparagement and whatever you think is "helpful", unless you know what I need. If you're psychic, then you can feel free to ascertain my needs. If not--it's not your place.
I'm over being a guinea pig, a sacrificial lamb, a scapegoat and an ass.
If you want any other animals, go to a petting zoo.
My final straw has snapped and if one more thing gets thrown "out there" I'm not going to take "one for the team".
Wow.
I'm frankly cliched out.

Day 132

Wow...I'm uh....almost 4 1/2 months sober...
weeeeird
I should be proud, but with all my recent issues (I've been sick, then had some BPD snafus...) I've not been feeling at the top of my proverbial game.
I realize it may be a really crazy thing to blog this stuff in a public way...I've tried the whole AA thing and I'm s'posed to be anonymous and stuff...but I'm sober, and I can't sit in a room and feel sorry for myself...I mean...I still do sometimes, but I don't want to talk about it with other people. I either wanna write it down or just bottle it up....call me antisocial or isolationist...whatever...I can't deal right now mostly with sitting in a room that has a bunch of men....like they know why I started drinking...

Day 87

It feels like I've been sober forever and yet like no time has passed at all.
At the meetings everyone talks about how all it takes is that first drink...
I know for me that is true.
I have that first drink...(or like a first chug) and I'm gone.
I don't know the meaning of moderation, with much of anything...I have always been an overzealous individual...
Never content with the middle of the road, I go wholly into whatever I do.
This comes in really handy when I work on a project, be it work or art...
But when it comes to something less practical, or potentially damaging, I end up flat on my ass after believing I could control my circumstances...
Control. Something I lack, yet so desparately desire. As a person with addiction control has been my ultimate dream but my eventual downfall.
I must give up control in order to truly obtain healing.

Day 76

Tired and slow.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I know this is merely a temporary setback, but I feel stuck.
Coming off one of my medications (under a doctors supervision) was my choice, but I feel slower, and more like crap than I did when I used. At least then I could just have some greasy food and feel better. This feeling has no cure.
I'm tired, wired, paranoid and shaky.
I feel like this will never end.
I keep praying for the strength to keep going on...
I asked for more work responsibility, and I got it. This is a huge step up, but in addition to all the regular tasks, I have the pressure to perform my new responsibilites well, with my impaired capabilities...I feel crippled.
Though I love the new work I am doing...my mind goes blank and all my words and thoughts get jumbled...
One day at a time.
One step at a time.
One task at a time.
God give me strength to carry on as I try to be the person I am meant to be.

Day 54

It does get easier, but it's not easy.
I'm not saying it's not hard.
Every day is so hard not giving in to my own stupidity.
But I see how much better I feel when I'm not hung over, sleeping on the bathroom floor, running into the wall (both litereally and figuratively).
I also see how much less likely I am to hurt those I love when I don't use.
Being more in control of my actions, I'm less likely to say and do things I'll regret later.
I still do anyway, but at least I remember it well enough to know how to apologize later.
All I can say is that I'm not perfect, and it's stilla daily battle, but with God's constant grace, I am getting through this, and I believe that there is recovery for me.

Day 40

Sometimes I think life is totally unfair.
I mean...why do bad things happen to totally great people?
I know that's a really common question...and one that is not easily answered.
Things never seem be balanced...people who work so hard for things never get them, while others who never work for the same ones get them instantly without ever trying--
I guess there is a more rewarding feeling in the journey...a sense of great joy when one finally recieves a miracle...When God finally blesses them..as opposed to a quick and instant gratification where one never knew the heartache that was possible.

Day 35

I'm tired.
Last night I was so tired wanted a drink.
But I didn't have one.
I guess that's good.
No meetings in forever.
I'm still sticking to this whole thing, so that's good.
I guess staying busy and having a million things to do is good.
I just feel exhausted.

Day 31

I've been sober a month and a day.
I never thought I could do it.
I don't need a chip to give me strength, or a hug.
Right now I just want to skip around like a little kid...
I have my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds.
I think its important to be grounded, and have firm footing, but still keep dreaming-hoping for great and aspirational things--lest I get too pragmatic and boring.
I'm ecstatic every day that I choose to do things without additional "courage".
I'm actual more inspired to create now than I ever was before, and I actual follow through.
I'm really proud of myself...this is a totally new place for me...

Day 24

My next goal is to read more.
If I can go to meetings and read I think it'll help me understand why on earth I really want to keep doing this.
I know that I'm a morre dynamic individual when I'm not drunk. I have less of a recovery time between binges, and I can enjoy regualr activities more because I'm not in a stuper.
My art is more coherant, and my relationships are simpler.
Still...I'm struggling with how to remind myself why this is relevent on a day-to-day basis.
I am SO stubborn.
I think some of the literature should be helpful.
Here's hoping...

Day 21

3 Weeks in.

I'm aware today of how exhausted I am; be it the weather, the stress or the overall week.
It is Friday, so thank God for small blessings.
I'm certainly ready for a break.

I don't have a whole lot to say--but I'm proud to be 3 weeks sober.
I have my usual mix of music on at work--but this song has been making me think.

I feel like there's this little part of me that is trying to get solace, while another part just wants to silence it...thus the using or drinking.
I guess I need to learn to listen to myself entirely to get to a place of healing.
I'm only really a shadow of myself while I'm hurting myself.

Day 20

Still here.
Still going.
Still holding out for something better.
I have to confess to not meeting with other people and reading as much as I should.
I have been preoccupied with my health and work issues, but I do need to make my recovery a priority now as well.
This feels for me like a failure, to connect and commit to my original plan. I know I should cut myself some slack but I just want to do everything all at once.
So I will commit to today.
Doing the best I can today and not worrying about tomorrow.
I can only work on this particular day--and actually, right now, I can only do one task at a time.
So blog, then work, etc.
*sigh*
I think I'll be ok.

Day 8

So I realize the name of my blog may sound weird, and I want to clear that up.
YOUthymia is sort of a phonetic spelling (allbeit my own spin) of the word Euthymia.

Wikipedia defines Euthymia as: a word used for indicating a normal non-depressed, reasonably positive mood. It is distinguished from euphoria, which refers to an extreme of happiness, and dysthymia, which refers to a depressed mood.

I strive for this state. Neither happy nor sad. A place of serenity-no highs or lows, but of cerebral and emotional harmony. Maybe it sounds wacky, but I think most people would give up feeling super great to chuck the super sad letdown that inevitably follows.
There is some comfort in stability.
Achieving it, however, is the trick.

So that's what I'm trying to do--one day at a time. Not really knowing what I'm doing, still feeling the ups and downs, but hoping for some kind of eventual center.

Day 7

I'm starting a new experiment.
Online blogging about my recovery.
7 days without a drink.
I guess that's progress.
One day at a time.
I'm not sure what I should be feeling right now.
I feel tired and grumpy.
I forgot to take my meds last night until like 1:00.
I couldn't calm my mind down.
All I could think about was how a drink would relax me.
One sweet drink.
But one is never enough.
There's always a second.
Then a third-then a tenth.
And I lie.
"I only had 3."
I'm an expert lier.
I don't know the truth anymore.
The truth is, I'm tired, and I have no inspiration for art anymore because I'm not sober long enough to remember what I was doing long enough to follow through.
I drew last night for the first time in months.
It sucked but it's a start.
So there ya go.
Seven days and counting.