Day 34

I didn't think that after having gone through all of this before I would be so emotional about a month of sobriety.

But, well here I am and I'm really grateful, and totally overwhelmed.

I have my one month chip, which 2 years ago I promised I wouldn't make a big deal about, but I have to admit, my heart kinda skipped a beat, and I'm both scared and excited.

I'm scared that it's only been a month, and it seems so close to how completely shit I made everything before. I'm also excited and glad to have gotten through 34 whole fucking days!

This feels like uncharted territory, although I've been here before a bunch of times.

I guess I feel like because I have a guide and a map of sorts, and support, it is so much less daunting...

So here's goes day 35 :)

Day 13

Starting over. I'm not proud of this. I'm not proud of the circumstances that lead up to me being back on the road to recovery. I am however glad to be recovering, rather than making myself suffer. I realized that this time I had no one else to blame but myself for making me the victim when I use or drink, and I have to take responsibility, however shitty it feels. It sucks having to be this honest. I feel like my previous posts were so cryptic, so this is me being pretty raw.

I am a crappy drunk, and I don't know how to stop with just one drink. I love alcohol. I really like using...I mean LOVE it. It's hard to imagine my life without substances to ease the suffering. Feeling my feelings sounds so blergh. Why the fuck would I want to do that?

Seriously?

But then I mean, I guess I royally fucked up on the good stuff too. Not to mention losing the trust of the people I love. Ugh...this is way more difficult that I want to think about.

Want to curl up in fetal position and watch cartoons and not hold myself accountable.

Oh wait--That's half my life...Ok...

Being too hard on myself.

Another thing I do, and then drink about...lol

Man---I need to find that middle ground--what is this page called again? Youthymia? Oh yeah, that middle feeling--neither high nor low...RIGHT!

Thank you reality.

Ok. Here's my glass of water raised to day 14, and finding a stable job.