Starting over. I'm not proud of this. I'm not proud of the circumstances that lead up to me being back on the road to recovery. I am however glad to be recovering, rather than making myself suffer. I realized that this time I had no one else to blame but myself for making me the victim when I use or drink, and I have to take responsibility, however shitty it feels. It sucks having to be this honest. I feel like my previous posts were so cryptic, so this is me being pretty raw.
I am a crappy drunk, and I don't know how to stop with just one drink. I love alcohol. I really like using...I mean LOVE it. It's hard to imagine my life without substances to ease the suffering. Feeling my feelings sounds so blergh. Why the fuck would I want to do that?
Seriously?
But then I mean, I guess I royally fucked up on the good stuff too. Not to mention losing the trust of the people I love. Ugh...this is way more difficult that I want to think about.
Want to curl up in fetal position and watch cartoons and not hold myself accountable.
Oh wait--That's half my life...Ok...
Being too hard on myself.
Another thing I do, and then drink about...lol
Man---I need to find that middle ground--what is this page called again? Youthymia? Oh yeah, that middle feeling--neither high nor low...RIGHT!
Thank you reality.
Ok. Here's my glass of water raised to day 14, and finding a stable job.
