Day 87

It feels like I've been sober forever and yet like no time has passed at all.
At the meetings everyone talks about how all it takes is that first drink...
I know for me that is true.
I have that first drink...(or like a first chug) and I'm gone.
I don't know the meaning of moderation, with much of anything...I have always been an overzealous individual...
Never content with the middle of the road, I go wholly into whatever I do.
This comes in really handy when I work on a project, be it work or art...
But when it comes to something less practical, or potentially damaging, I end up flat on my ass after believing I could control my circumstances...
Control. Something I lack, yet so desparately desire. As a person with addiction control has been my ultimate dream but my eventual downfall.
I must give up control in order to truly obtain healing.

Day 76

Tired and slow.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I know this is merely a temporary setback, but I feel stuck.
Coming off one of my medications (under a doctors supervision) was my choice, but I feel slower, and more like crap than I did when I used. At least then I could just have some greasy food and feel better. This feeling has no cure.
I'm tired, wired, paranoid and shaky.
I feel like this will never end.
I keep praying for the strength to keep going on...
I asked for more work responsibility, and I got it. This is a huge step up, but in addition to all the regular tasks, I have the pressure to perform my new responsibilites well, with my impaired capabilities...I feel crippled.
Though I love the new work I am doing...my mind goes blank and all my words and thoughts get jumbled...
One day at a time.
One step at a time.
One task at a time.
God give me strength to carry on as I try to be the person I am meant to be.