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I'm tired.Last night I was so tired wanted a drink.But I didn't have one.I guess that's good.No meetings in forever.I'm still sticking to this whole thing, so that's good.I guess staying busy and having a million things to do is good.I just feel exhausted.
I've been sober a month and a day.
I never thought I could do it.
I don't need a chip to give me strength, or a hug.
Right now I just want to skip around like a little kid...
I have my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds.
I think its important to be grounded, and have firm footing, but still keep dreaming-hoping for great and aspirational things--lest I get too pragmatic and boring.
I'm ecstatic every day that I choose to do things without additional "courage".
I'm actual more inspired to create now than I ever was before, and I actual follow through.
I'm really proud of myself...this is a totally new place for me...
My next goal is to read more.If I can go to meetings and read I think it'll help me understand why on earth I really want to keep doing this.I know that I'm a morre dynamic individual when I'm not drunk. I have less of a recovery time between binges, and I can enjoy regualr activities more because I'm not in a stuper. My art is more coherant, and my relationships are simpler.Still...I'm struggling with how to remind myself why this is relevent on a day-to-day basis.I am SO stubborn.I think some of the literature should be helpful.Here's hoping...
3 Weeks in.I'm aware today of how exhausted I am; be it the weather, the stress or the overall week. It is Friday, so thank God for small blessings.I'm certainly ready for a break. I don't have a whole lot to say--but I'm proud to be 3 weeks sober.I have my usual mix of music on at work--but this song has been making me think. I feel like there's this little part of me that is trying to get solace, while another part just wants to silence it...thus the using or drinking.I guess I need to learn to listen to myself entirely to get to a place of healing.I'm only really a shadow of myself while I'm hurting myself.
Still here.
Still going.
Still holding out for something better.
I have to confess to not meeting with other people and reading as much as I should.
I have been preoccupied with my health and work issues, but I do need to make my recovery a priority now as well.
This feels for me like a failure, to connect and commit to my original plan. I know I should cut myself some slack but I just want to do everything all at once.
So I will commit to today.
Doing the best I can today and not worrying about tomorrow.
I can only work on this particular day--and actually, right now, I can only do one task at a time.
So blog, then work, etc.
*sigh*
I think I'll be ok.
