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It does get easier, but it's not easy.
I'm not saying it's not hard.
Every day is so hard not giving in to my own stupidity.
But I see how much better I feel when I'm not hung over, sleeping on the bathroom floor, running into the wall (both litereally and figuratively).
I also see how much less likely I am to hurt those I love when I don't use.
Being more in control of my actions, I'm less likely to say and do things I'll regret later.
I still do anyway, but at least I remember it well enough to know how to apologize later.
All I can say is that I'm not perfect, and it's stilla daily battle, but with God's constant grace, I am getting through this, and I believe that there is recovery for me.
Sometimes I think life is totally unfair.
I mean...why do bad things happen to totally great people?
I know that's a really common question...and one that is not easily answered.
Things never seem be balanced...people who work so hard for things never get them, while others who never work for the same ones get them instantly without ever trying--
I guess there is a more rewarding feeling in the journey...a sense of great joy when one finally recieves a miracle...When God finally blesses them..as opposed to a quick and instant gratification where one never knew the heartache that was possible.
I'm tired.Last night I was so tired wanted a drink.But I didn't have one.I guess that's good.No meetings in forever.I'm still sticking to this whole thing, so that's good.I guess staying busy and having a million things to do is good.I just feel exhausted.
I've been sober a month and a day.
I never thought I could do it.
I don't need a chip to give me strength, or a hug.
Right now I just want to skip around like a little kid...
I have my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds.
I think its important to be grounded, and have firm footing, but still keep dreaming-hoping for great and aspirational things--lest I get too pragmatic and boring.
I'm ecstatic every day that I choose to do things without additional "courage".
I'm actual more inspired to create now than I ever was before, and I actual follow through.
I'm really proud of myself...this is a totally new place for me...
My next goal is to read more.If I can go to meetings and read I think it'll help me understand why on earth I really want to keep doing this.I know that I'm a morre dynamic individual when I'm not drunk. I have less of a recovery time between binges, and I can enjoy regualr activities more because I'm not in a stuper. My art is more coherant, and my relationships are simpler.Still...I'm struggling with how to remind myself why this is relevent on a day-to-day basis.I am SO stubborn.I think some of the literature should be helpful.Here's hoping...
3 Weeks in.I'm aware today of how exhausted I am; be it the weather, the stress or the overall week. It is Friday, so thank God for small blessings.I'm certainly ready for a break. I don't have a whole lot to say--but I'm proud to be 3 weeks sober.I have my usual mix of music on at work--but this song has been making me think. I feel like there's this little part of me that is trying to get solace, while another part just wants to silence it...thus the using or drinking.I guess I need to learn to listen to myself entirely to get to a place of healing.I'm only really a shadow of myself while I'm hurting myself.
Still here.
Still going.
Still holding out for something better.
I have to confess to not meeting with other people and reading as much as I should.
I have been preoccupied with my health and work issues, but I do need to make my recovery a priority now as well.
This feels for me like a failure, to connect and commit to my original plan. I know I should cut myself some slack but I just want to do everything all at once.
So I will commit to today.
Doing the best I can today and not worrying about tomorrow.
I can only work on this particular day--and actually, right now, I can only do one task at a time.
So blog, then work, etc.
*sigh*
I think I'll be ok.
